FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of
all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
eggs the rules say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your
neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You take care of them but the
government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the "free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money
to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the
help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography,
John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame
the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then
mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a
tyrannical farmer and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The
American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a
gritty performance, and gets a multi-million-dollar contract to
endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by
Chinese government officials though no one ever hears about it.
McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing
restaurant.
LIMBAUGHISM: You used to have two cows. They may be dead; you don't
know, because you can't smell them through the stench rising off your
unwashed, 1,500-pound bulk. It's been six years since you could fit
into the shower. You blame the entire situation on an evil government
conspiracy, and click the remote to another talk show.
X-FILES-ISM: Your two cows turn out to be the government. They milk
YOU. You are saved by two generic bimbos, a female and a male with
blow-dried hair, after (1) a car chase, involving UFOs, (2) a
gunfight, and (3) a seance. The aliens get the advertising revenue
after the Nielsens rise.
© Copyright 2000 Paul Yoon inc.